Today sent my brain on a lovely journey through the past and present of my spiritual life. An absolutely beautiful, lovely friend of mine posted authentically her impression of Christianity and the offensive aura Christians create for themselves. I tried to reply to her post and blogger said it was too many characters, so I decided to post it here since my reply was pretty much a blog post in and of itself anyway.
In reading my reply, I think it’s important to read what she wrote. She posted her thoughts on her personal blog that I don’t believe she shares publicly, so I didn’t feel comfortable posting a link to her blogpost. Therefore, this is going to be super long blog post because I’m going to put both her words here and my reply. I think it’s a beautiful discussion and has been such an integral part of my journey, that I thought I would share it on my blog:
Lexia’s post:
Should Christian Women Wear Bikinis.
That’s the question thats going around apparently in the Christian world right now. I watched the video, not because i care the least about whether christian women should or shouldnt wear bikinis it was because the title was SO.INCREDIBLY.IRITATING. it made steam come out of my ears. i’m serious…. my windows are fogged up now.
why would this title bother me so much? it is just the irony of it on so many levels, and i’m going to tell you about them now, because i just dont think i can keep this inside me any longer. i know that i will probably receive quite a bit of backlash on the subject, and i need you to know that i do not mean this to be offensive, but merely to awaken different perspectives, ones you may not have known were injurious.
and you have been injuring. you’ve been injuring me, and many others like me, for a very.very.very.long.time.
Should Christian Women Wear Bikinis. if you are a Christian, you will likely not find anything odd, strange, or hurtful in this question. but, if you are not a Christian…. it absolutely excludes you. why not instead: “Should Women Wear Bikinis” ? the speaker begins by reading a scientific documentation about what happens to the male brain when shown pictures of men and women modestly dressed, and then dressed in bikinis. It makes no mention of Christianity or for that matter any religion at all. So why the ‘Christian’ in the title? I understand that it was meant to reach a Christian audience, that it was targeting a specific culture of people, and that it was read at a Christian event. but isn’t that all the more reason then to not have to say the word “Christian” and exclude the rest of us? You see, the title “Should Christian Women Wear Bikinis” insinuates that Christian women are more modest, more pure, and should not wear something that would attract the sexual attention of men. but, the rest of you…. well… you can go on wearing bikinis because we know that you dont have “christian’ morals, that you love to attract that kind of sexual attention. If the title would have just been “should women wear bikinis” it would have not been so offensive or exclusive. and that really is the question at stake there…. isnt it? Right? just regular women… they dont HAVE to be christian, do they?
When people specify ‘christian’ in front of things, like the phrases: “Christian morals” and “christian women” it is meant to exclude. this is not always a bad thing, and sometimes a very necessary specification. for example, in the sentence: “christian teachings are different than islamic teachings” and “Christian Churches are sometimes large and so are NY skyscrapers” but they can also exclude in a very hurtful way as well “Christian women are good” - it can insinuate that other women, are not.
This is not always the case…. i mean you can truly mean to just say that all christian women are good and not insinuate anything else, but imagine this scenario. you are a red flower, amongst a sea of blue flowers. someone comes in and says “blue flowers smell wonderful”. you are the only red flower. how does that make you feel?
yep. thats what i thought. if only they would have said “most blue flowers smell wonderful” or even better “flowers smell wonderful”
Its so odd, because non-christians with no specific affiliation to any other organized religion are constantly being evangelized. Christians preaching acceptance… yet they are still using phrases that exclude. “come join our church… it is so much better here.” how are we not to feel like Christians are ‘holier than thou’? i understand it is not meant to be hurtful, they are so happy and they want me to be happy to by sharing what they have with me. i get that. but it’s so annoying.
I am in a unique situation because many people view me as Christian. i look like them, i raise my children with good morals, we sing wholesome songs, we watch wholesome TV, i dont swear (at least… very rarely), dont get drunk, am faithful to my husband, and kind to others. people mistake me for Christian because i am not Jewish, nor Muslim, or any other religion, so the default is of course, Christian. People ask me what church i belong to and i say that i dont belong to a church. I say that i’ve looked into other religions but i have never made a connection with anything. and the response i get (with a 90% accuracy rating) is:
“well… but you’re Christian…. right? I mean, you believe in God…. right?”
like other religions dont believe in God. and also that i would automatically still be Christian, even though i’m not specifically lutheran, or catholic, or protestant.
and if i were to say that i’m “agnostic” (someone who has no specific faith) i am fair game for being evangelized. OH! that poor lost soul! we must SAVE HER! i will pray for your soul…
I’ve had conversations with my cousin, Laura, who is a devout Christian. she is one of the few Christians i can actually talk to about my ‘faith’ or lack thereof. maybe its because i know she cant really cast me off… i am her cousin and we’re connected by blood. i mean, when i’m having a hard day or something and she says ‘i’m praying for you’ i know it’s not like she’s praying for my soul to be brought to God and repented for my sins of non-faith. it’s her way of saying “hey, i’m thinking about you” when i have a friend who is having a rough time i tell them i’m sending “love, hugs, and good energy” which is pretty much exactly the same thing.
but when someone prays for my soul or wants to ‘save’ me…. OH.MY.GOD it makes me want to go into fits of satanic rage. i have fantasies about pretending to be afflicted by the devil and spin my head 360 degrees and then vomit green goo all over their faces. i fantasize being the young girl in The Excorcist and seeing their faces as i talk in a satanic voice. i mean… there is nothing that irritates me more.
not chewing with your mouth open, not dry sand in between my toes, nothing.
Lastly…. you want to know what my opinion is on if women should wear bikinis or not? I think it starts with teaching our young boys not to view women as tools or objects regardless of what they are wearing. why are we avoiding the root of the cause and subjecting our girls and women to rules and regulations about their body and attire that dont have anything at all to do with their own SELF image, but the way others (men) see them? Start at the root, then work up from there. It starts with our boys, NOT our girls.
And, this is the comment I wanted to leave:
Hey Lexia,
I had a few thoughts after reading this that I wanted to share. Sorry if they come off discombobulated, I’m just writing them as they come to mind:
1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it’s out of frustration, but I really, really, really wish everyone lived so openly. I actually found it quite refreshing to read because it’s so authentic
2. Because I love honestly, I would appreciate it times a million if you shared with me personally anytime I pushed one of those sensitivity buttons. Ya know, a simple, “Sophia, I know you had the best of intentions when you said ____ but it offended me because ___” As hard as we try, none of us can see ourselves from the outside. Honest perspective about myself that I can’t see would be priceless.
3. The reason I said what I did in (2) is because I know I’m a work in progress. With the absolute best of intentions and with nothing but love for me, my parents brought me up in a traditional church setting. The discussion of “what should Christians do” and “what should Christians not do” was pumped into my brain by my youth pastors and I don’t think my parents realized it. My mom was furious when my little sister came home from Sunday school with worksheets on how to pray and one showed a little girl with her hands together and her eyes closed and next to it she had her eyes open and they had to draw a red circle with a slash through that one. She was so upset that people would teach her child that there is a procedure to praying as if God wasn’t listening if your eyes were open. Spending ages 10-18 in this environment influenced me during a very moldable time in my life. I developed a mentality that these teachings were equivalent with right vs wrong. I can look back at high school and think of times I said and did things with the best of intentions trying to help people do the “right” thing but I was so damaging and so hurtful with the results. It makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve had to forgive the 17 year old version of myself time and time again, and it was a hard process that took years. In my adulthoodhood I was able to walk out of the bubble I grew up in and experience the entire world as it truly was. I remember the epiphany when my brain finally broke open and I realized there is no “us” and “them.” I was 21. It’s horrible that it’s how my brain once behaved, and for so long. I’ve spent the last 4 years retraining my thought patterns, changing my vocabulary and seeing the world through a completely different lens. I have a mentor who is very spiritual but of no religious affiliation. He’s attended unitarian gatherings more than any other sect of religion. But he has been so helpful in helping to open my mind to the true intentions and teaching of Jesus. He will actually stop me in my tracks and say “why did you say that like that” or “why are you placing that assumption on them.” Therefore, going back to (2), I know I’m a work-in-progress in fully understanding what it means to love all people unconditionally and find my own set of moral beliefs to hold myself accountable to.
4) After I realized the ridiculous bubble that Christianity created for itself, I went through a phase of hatred. Now all of a sudden my new ideas and realizations were better than theirs. I had a hard heart towards traditional Christianity. That’s when my mentor pointed out to me that I actually had not truly changed if I felt that way. I was still seeing “us” and “them” I had just found a new happy place with the “them”s. I was actually no different. I was now placing my “holier than thou” mentality on the “holier than thous.” Haha. Such a mess! lol. I have arrived at a new found happy place where I can respect every person for where they are at in life’s journey. As you said, there are no us and thems. No “Christian women” and “non-Christian women.” haha! What a crazy world we live in that it demands labels. I now just see everyone as people. And some people’s journey is leading them through that stage. I feel empathetic for those people in their chairs of the video you posted. And empathetic for the man with the mic. Their intentions are so good, but they are still missing the big picture. Turn your frustration into “love, hugs and good energy” sending their way because they probably need it more than you do.
You are such an incredible woman, a positive influence on many and inspiration to us all. Don’t stop being exactly who you are. Your life’s journey is already awesome and it’s only going to get better from here. I feel so blessed that our journeys crossed paths and you’re now a part of my life. Thank you for being you.
This is wonderful, Sophia. Plain and simple…wonderful. Thank you for sharing. I too am very thankful that your friend shared, as well. It’s a side of things we don’t think about much…and it should not be so.
You both make some great points. I’ve struggled with the way we as a society like to break things into “secular” and “spiritual” demarcations when “All truth is God’s truth”.
That said, I do believe as Christians we live to a standard set apart from what the general population (those who have not chosen, or choose not to call on Jesus as Lord). If there is no difference, we aren’t following God’s command to be set apart. We DO speak differently, act differently, dress differently, think differently, because CHRIST is our standard and not the world.
That doesn’t mean we don’t do anything at all like those outside of Christ do. If I had a great bod, I’d probably wear a bikini (don’t laugh at the visual, just go with it), not because I want to tempt the male populace (now I have myself giggling) but because tan lines suck and I’d like my tan to extend beyond what a one-piece affords. Alas, I do not have a cute physique and so I save the world one poor beach-goer at a time by wearing a tent with a draw-string neckline (or some such).
Hopefully I’m making sense here–it sounds perfectly lucid in my head.
Lisa
Nice. Thanks for so honest and open. I applaud your courage to be so vulnerable. I have very strong feelings about organized religon after growing up in the bible belt. I’m glad to see someone address how the “christian” label is often more of an excluder than includer.
I am not a Christian.
I love my family.
I am nice to people.
I am doing my best to leave a positive footprint on our world.
I follow the golden rule.. do unto others…
I am often insulted when it is inferred that you have to follow the bible to be a moral person.
Thanks for stating your viewpoint so eloquently.
Unbelievable! In so many ways can I relate. For I recently expressed to my very devoted christian family that I have no affiliation with any religion. My cousins almost spit up their Easter dinner. They then proceeded to buy me books on how to keep faith while understanding the world. I am now marked as the wild child, the poor soul, “she’s just lost”. What angered me the most was the belittlement. But in no way can I blame them for being born into a way of thinking. It was hard growing up in a town with a strong christian foundation. If you weren’t and shared your views (I’m a very outspoken person) you became afraid of how you would be viewed. Would teachers no longer like you as much? Would your boyfriend’s parents except you? Would your best friends mom trust you? For now you are marked as a big green scary monster. I attempted to fit in and fake my “faith” in middle school. I attended church with friends because I felt left out of the awesome hangout on Wednesday nights. But as much as I tried I couldn’t convince myself that life was as simple as going to church on Sundays and believing in a book. I’d rather feel left out than fake.
Thank you for sharing this. You have influenced and provoked thought. It’s refreshing to know that a highly viewed, educated, well-spoken woman from Plant City can voice who she really is. It’s inspiring! I’m not alone in this labyrinth called “life”.
Mackenzie, good for you that you developed the confidence to have your own independent perspective. Having lived in the same community as you, I can understand how you would have felt that way. It’s important to not “lose your faith” but rather find your own. My relationship with God is stronger than it’s ever been, but it looks completely different than it once did. And I love Jesus and his message more than I ever have because as I grow older I understand more and more what he was trying to say. But to identify with a specific religion or denomination—not so much. Those are man-made and stress me out. I’m totally content following my own path. I learn so, so, so much by reading books and listening to teachers of many different perspectives. How foolish to ever think that one small portion of the population has the only correct perspective and knowledge on something so grand unfathomable. I encourage you to never stop seeking or growing in your own spiritual journey.
Sophia et al, Christianity isn’t just about lifestyle and it is not about religion. Nothing we do, not good works, not moral living, nothing we do qualifies us to be children of God. Only grace ( the forgiveness of sin through the blood of Christ freely given to those who accept it) makes you a Christian. Everything else is free will. We live for Christ because of what He did for us (because we want to). Our lives will look different to others but that’s what grace is all about, freedom) Those who judge do so out of ignorance. Be who you are because of the freedom God gives you. A bikini doesn’t make you wrong or right, Grace does.
Begin a Christian woman and growing everyday in faith. I do believe Jesus is Lord. I try not to push my faith on others but I do hold myself account for how other see me. I taught my children that the Bible is the True Word of God and one day I will have to answer for my walk on earth. I have given up trying to defend my belief. I do not agree everyone will enter Heaven. I was learning my deep walk with the Lord as I was raising my children. Their is alot of things out there to read and watch that I chose not to. The story you watch was for christian woman. Did you watch it to be offended or did you watch it to learn about christian woman? One time I was very upset with some people at my church. I remember this question my husband asked me and I keep these words close to my heart. He said, “Holly are you going to church to worship the Lord? If you are going for any other reason then you need to stay home. My husband not only had to teach my children the Word of God he was also teaching me. I also remember when the church asked him to be a Deacon. I wanted to hide I was learning and felt I was not ready for other woman to look to me for wisdom. I remember my kids telling me everything I had to change and how I had to act. The sweetest words my husband every said were these. He looked at the kids and in his deepest voice. Shut up!!!!! Your mother has come such a long way in the last 15 years I can not wait to see her in the next 20 yrs. That is how a christian walks. He is not perfect and he messes up but if I must say he is what I believe to be a chritian. I m sorry you look to the ugly side of the church. I have learn that if you want to be upset you can always fine a reason. I try to look for the good in people and I do not try to go where I do not believe I am welcome. I get tired also of people making fun of me for what I believe so I can understand that. I am called all sorts of names. We are not hollie rollers, I drink, use to smoke and I cuss sometimes. Do I try not to yes I do —I am who I am. I know I am not better then anyone else. Goodness I have 3 kids to remind me all the time. If someone ask me about Jesus I tell them. I think sometimes the news media likes to make fun of Chritians and they love reporting the crazies. I have all sorts of friends from all forms of life. I know what they believe and they know what I believe and we all get along. I was very protective of my children and I made sure the kids they hung out with were from what I thought was good families some were christians some families were not. Chose your battles. I read a great book it was called a million miles in a thousand years. I use to wake up in the moring and ask Jesus to help me make him proud. Now I wake in the morning and say lets do it Jesus smiling and laughing. I like Jesus and happy to try my best to walk by his words.
I love you mom. Thank you so much for providing such a wonderful, nurturing environment for me to grow up. Despite what I may have been taught in different religious environments, the walk to you walked in front of me every single day taught me almost everything I know about generosity and unconditional love. I know without a shadow of doubt that I can bring any person from any background into your home and you will welcome them as part of our family. You taught me what it means to live an authentic life and be comfortable exactly as you are.
Tradition and religion leads us to believe only one thing. What the people before us believed. Try thinking on your own. Don’t become a mind numb robot. Our hearts should be our guide. If it has Jesus in it, it will produce good things. I agree, denominations are of the devil. Look how many they are. God said for us to be one with him. I have more to say but don’t have time now.
Holly, a lot of people don’t get you. Because they think you should act like they do. I get you. We both have come a long way!
Sophia, I am proud you!
hello everyone… i’m the author of the post Sophia quoted. Sophia.. wow.. thank you so much. not even for just the comments that you said addressing my post but for opening up the discussion further than i had. i had hit the ‘publish’ button apprehensively, and many times i thought about going back to my post to delete it because i just didnt know if i was in the right mindset for what i knew was going to be a LOT of opinions, and some negative. i promise i WILL tell you if you ever cross that line you mentioned in your second point, and thus far you most definitely havent! to address certain comments here:
to Don Pipkin and Sage- you both have hit the nail right on the head. said so eloquently.
to Lisa @ write, pray, love… I want to address this portion of your comment:
I do believe as Christians we live to a standard set apart from what the general population (those who have not chosen, or choose not to call on Jesus as Lord). If there is no difference, we aren’t following God’s command to be set apart. We DO speak differently, act differently, dress differently, think differently, because CHRIST is our standard and not the world.
I am struggling with many different emotions inside me right now. one of pity, one of fury, one of hurt and sadness. this is just exactly what i was talking about. if my speaking differently you mean that you use quotations from the bible then, yes, we’re different. if by thinking differently you mean you talk to ‘God’ during your day, then, yes. but act differently and dress differently? HOW?!?!?! if you saw me walking down the street would you be able to pick me out as a non-believer? is there a specific store that you buy your clothes from that is different from mine? We are the same! it is this kind of exclusion that pushes me away, gives organized religion and Christianity a bad name. i beg you to check yourself before saying these things and review your thoughts on this topic. if you would like me to use ‘your’ terminology… we are all God’s children.
thank you so much Sophia for furthering this conversation!
I’m sure someone will point out that many people act differently from what i may say, so this is simply my take (though not mine alone) on this.
We as Christians are not trying to live to be “exclusive”, as in “trying to exclude or shut people out”. Actually, nothing could be more contrary to our calling. Jesus came to “seek and save the lost” and to “give his life as a ransom for many”. I am one of those. His charge to us was to go, make disciples, and teach. Those of us who wear His name want to desperately to INCLUDE, not exclude.
Now, He also made it clear that since the choice was up to each of us, there would be division, since some would choose to follow Him and some would not. We as Christians try to live our lives shaped by what God reveals to us in His word. Exactly what that looks like in every situation is the work of a lifetime. There are always those who do not want to do that, and so choose accordingly.
I want to assure Lexia (and everyone else for that matter) that you are desperately loved and valuable. Jesus gave His life to show you that, and I pray that you will always have people in your life who show that love to you. (Hope I did not spark any “fits of satanic rage”, that was truly not my intent.)
@ Lexia: I try not to ever say or (especially) write anything without “checking myself”.
To clarify:
If I dress in a way that displeases God according to His Word, I am not being true to my convictions and beliefs. This simply means if I dress in clothing that reveals my private parts or openly invites people to ogle my body (again, I am giggling at the visual).
If I act in a way that displeases God according to His Word, I am not being true to my convictions and beliefs. This is pretty self-explanatory and I’m having trouble understanding how it doesn’t make sense to both believer and non-believer alike. There is no sarcasm or malice or ill will in my statement–I just don’t know how else to say it. There are a myriad ways I could act that I believe would displease God. I simply mean that I desire to live authentically.
Please do not read into my statement more than I mean. I do not mean that one is a dirty rotten sinner for not dressing just like me or acting just like me. I simply mean that everything I do and say should reflect my beliefs. If you knew me, you would know that I am nothing like the person you apparently think I am. In your quick-trigger defensiveness you are missing out on what could be a pretty cool friendship. I am a lot more open and accepting and compassionate than you paint me to be.
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Sophia… I’m happy to read about your reflections on your “17 year old self”…. I remember your confidence and conviction in everything you’d say in that Theory of Knowledge class and how infuriating I would become because of it…
I am agnostic, without “religion”, and totally identify with Lexia’s thoughts on how others view us and automatically “default to christain”. If everyone could just do a little yoga… peace, joy, karma, relaxation, strength, confidence, self love, community energy, trust, and acceptance without judgement – that’s my “religion”.
Thanks for sharing!